Note: This report is taken from an article in Renaissance News
and Views, Vol. 12, No. 5, May 1998.
Renaissance News and Views is the newsletter of Renaissance Transgender
Association, Inc., a 501[c][3] nonprofit
organization providing education and support to the transgender community
and the general public, with chapters
and affiliates in ten US states; for information: 987 Old Eagle School
Rd., Ste. 719, Wayne, Penn., 19087; 610-
975-9119; http://www.ren.org
Persistant rumours of the imminent demise of AEGIS, the American Educational
Gender Information Service,
Inc., while not entirely without basis, are somewhat premature. The
well-known gender organisation has reached
an agreement with the social and political activist group It’s Time,
America! (ITA) to merge, forming a new
group, Gender Education and Advocacy.
Renaissance reports: “GEA will consist of a 501(c)(3) policy-making
Institute and a 501(c)(4) Network of state
chapters for policy implementation. The Institute and Network will
be linked by Bylaws and Joint Operating
Agrement (JOA) which are under development.
“The new organization hopes to begin by the end of 1998.”
At this time, most gender organisations are small and focused on local
and immediate issues, and many do not
engage in outside advocacy at all, being support groups or the like,
and are devoted nearly entirely to the needs of
their members. While Transsexual Menace, GenderPAC, and similar groups
have been trying to place themselves
in postion for large-scale advocacy, an organisation such as GEA, with
existing local chapters in many places and
a history of advocacy, is in a nearly unique position to effect real
advocacy at every level, from local to national.
People, draw me,
equal of girl and boy,
difference so-blurred.
Knowledge shining through,
harsh lessons,
had not-yet, occurred.
Battles, inside and out,
alone or not,
mind and body,
still not fought.
Shame for me and my dreams,
still, not yet taught.
Dress me, tease and beat me,
shame me into shape.
cut off my hair.
Is this how I should be?
Tears fall and fall,
so shall I, but can't you see?
....
Take me at 12,
tell me you love me,
teach me a riddle,
what should feel good.
Treat me like meat,
ensure my silence,
add to my shame.
Your desire to touch yourself there,
is not at all, understood.
Play out the riddle.
Touch with one or five,
no need to form a ring.
Just one need, enter me.
Hopeless, broken, self-pity,
growing the question.
Daily I loose hope,
but I wish I was different,
so-changed, physically.
...
Love me at 15,
first I ever felt.
Giddy feels so deep,
tremble in my arm.
For love, play a role,
did I give her my love, or harm.
Stop my heart,
dare she ask me...
If I a girl, and she a boy,
I would still love you.
Would you still love me?
or would we be through.
(I so-feared both.)
We part-of-path,
you don't know what you have,
until you have not.
Need will leave, but I love her.
Take me at 15, in grieve and weakness,
from very close, more shame stir.
...
Along the way...
bottle lifted so-high,
So-bright, often, the glowing ember,
from leaves and hash, seen in my eye.
It raw, rare and sickening sweet,
leaks from slashed flowers,
burns for minutes,
forgets for hours.
Melts-in-your-mouth, then spit out the paper.
On inhaled powder by the gram,
and pretty colored pills,
of being alert, I am not a fan.
Death, daily I cheat you,
self and destructive behavior, drug abuse,
I tease you, my life please-take,
body and soul, there is no truce.
Looking back...
I was not alone on this ride.
I sometimes wonder if the ones I was with,
pushed hard enough and died.
...
Two years later, again in love I fall.
Such comfort, passion, heat in our kiss,
from the moment you touched me,
but here, this time, I'm wired for this.
It's not me, it's not me!
Rip me apart, body and soul!
This is very normal, but not for me.
Something of the outer, not inner role.
Unbearable, bitter is the pain,
against the river of my soul, swims my shell.
Death now, so-very-wanted,
not yet part of this hell.
But... you have taken my arm,
Placed love, interfered my self-hate.
Stop my action, tears fall, sadness dawns,
but I feel for me, life, It's too late.
If I have anything left to give,
if there is any love in me at all.
To give, the only thing I have left,
forever I miss you, I set you adrift, and wait to fall.
I head for shallows, but on the way...
I could love you, even trust a he.
Romantic is this time, with this he.
Do I need more, him with me?
I saw me in his eyes want because,
I told him I was in love with him,
You want me alone, but you run away,
leaving me alone, life gets more dim.
...
Then with her, she wanted for me,
to exist, as I could not yet.
I, her submissive little thing,
Warm love in my heart,
lust does reach my hands.
At ends with my path being set.
Quiet dewy, clear is the night,
stars fill the sky.
As I look up through time,
pondered only,
the thoughts and feeling,
I so-deeply want to die.
...
Like the sun, could a ray,
would warmth of hope find its way here?
Touch me, I do need,
so there may be an other day.
Patience, my time will come.
Morning breaks, the light touches my face.
Life has an end, forget, pretend, and wait.
Nearly without a dream, but one.
Although being my-self, I never allowed,
think, feel anything else.
Fill my days with every other thing.
Rains come, but eventually distraction does cloud.
...
A year or so later, I do fall for a friend.
In love, push away the ones I need.
I'm no good, forget me I plead!
Do I tell or is the truth harder, so we I try to end.
(Stubborn, she return)
Then one any-day, dare-someone see me.
But I feel, you look right through.
You wake me, were you, are you?
Storm of hope from almost none, gave by she!
Exist even beyond my wildest dreams,
stricken with hope, I can't ever be, not me again.
I do-now smile, life as I know it,
quickly unraveled at the seams.
I'm sorry I can't play my role any more.
I brought out deep fears in the one I still love.
My soul mate, I, she does now hate.
I love, I need, I miss you, and loose you like all from before.
Trust in others, I do now confide.
Fast hard growth now comes,
the pivotal fear still remains.
Is this my turning point, do I decide?
...
Soul and shell, will we meet,
may any of me reach the surface.
The same body, curse now gift,
now blur the lie, between two truths.
Help cut a path into tomorrow,
for the once dammed.
Spices, herbs seed the end,
of the physical male left around me.
Grow of small girl around for all to see.
Forever to sleep, some sense of feeling,
finish me for what you are stealing.
Pretty is me, and I am of flower.
So harsh the pain of growth,
such the reward.
But... after twenty-eight years,
dreams, moments, sorrow and tears.
Dare want, need,
seven-thousand, six-hundred days,
my flower outside has died.
Loss, I grieve so deep!
Days to follow now seem,
like mountains so steep.
Carry so tightly, fragments of my dreams.
I hide here, lie before me to mend,
what hasn't fell through my fingers.
The pieces get small,
more needs to bond,
longer, warmth needs to wait,
on every fall.
Will enough still be here to take shape,
to casts a shadow,
Will it hold time,
or will life slip through,
to lose forever, me...
But, I am on the inside and...
stronger, my hold on the outside...
If I feel safe enough,
I might become in you,
and you may also see...
what is truly... me.
...
Why did I bring you here?
and show you my twisted path.
No matter how bad life seems...
never let go of your dreams.
Don't leave everyone, don't take yourself.
Life can be filled with beauty... you never thought,
Maybe someday include... the very things you sought.
You may not be able to see,
through the icy mountains of today,
into the lush valleys of tomorrow.
Keep alive your hopes,
don't let them be melted by your sorrow.
Take someone's mind and hand,
be yourself don't matter what.
Your special, love will find you, don't you fear.
Your more than twisted ladder-writing, and the path that led you here.
Under icy mountains of winter,
in a warm, lush... dewy-green valley below,
broken right through the hardest of stone,
even during blinding pain,
A living thing somehow managed to grow...
from all the rain.